Monday 14thNovember 2011- Makkah
One of the best times for Tawaaf was at midday when the sun was at its highest. Alhamdulillah, I can handle heat and in fact I found it very soothing on my skin. While most people seek shelter from the sun, I took this opportunity to do a Tawaaf with Ibrahim. I loved spending every minute with this brother, to share his experiences and to hear his jokes but mostly his wisdom. Best of all was when he talked about his late father. A man whom I had never met before, and will never be able to meet, had such a deep impact on my thoughts that I have such a deep desire to meet him, and be able to sit with him and talk to him. The way Ibrahim described his father, Subhan’Allah I had tears in my eyes hearing about him, and an intense wish to place my head in his lap, and tell him everything, and seek his advice, and to hear his comforting words.
Ibrahim taught me to drench my hat in cool ZamZam water and wear it straight away. This feeling is one of the best sensations I’ve ever had; the water drips down my face but nor does it feel cold as it dries in the scorching sun very quickly. We finished our Tawaaf, prayed, and then stayed there in the sun, in silence, staring at the Ka’bah until Zuhr time. One of the greatest mercies of Allah; you even get reward for just looking at the Ka’bah.
By now Dada was feeling slightly better and his spirits were raised. He felt motivated to do an optional Tawaaf so I took him after Maghrib when the crowds had died down slightly. This was a useful exercise as it would have prepared him for the farewell Tawaaf tomorrow. Going round the Ka’bah with Dada hand in hand, reciting prayers together was beautiful. I always felt the absence of a grandparent in my life, and here I was privileged enough to be doing Tawaaf with one. I felt happy that he was here doing this with me.
Tuesday 15thNovember 2011- The Farewell Tawaaf, Leave Makkah
Tawaaf-ul-Widaa (The Farewell Tawaaf) is one of the last things one does before leaving Makkah. I had a very heavy heart, walking in total silence. I think Dada felt the same, but simultaneously, he may have been looking forward to going back to Kudai to get some rest. More so, I believe he was inexplicably grateful that he had done this journey and had come so far alone.
For me however, my heavy heart carried the burden of the past still, despite feeling spiritually recharged. Somebody once told me that I am my own worst enemy. I knew I would never escape the past; there was the fear of not being forgiven, or my Hajj not being accepted. There was the fear of going back to sinning.
However, there was one slight change which I didn’t realise until after I had come back to the UK. Although I carried my heavy heart with the burden of my sins and the past, I know that I’m not carrying this burden alone. Whilst on this beautiful journey, I somehow acquired wings; wings that would help carry this burden and take me to my destination without being weighed down, wherever that destination may be. I wouldn’t allow myself to be pulled down by the past, I’d continue to push on serving Allah.
After our Tawaaf, I took Dada to the side and we prayed. I made my final Duas, and Dada made his. We sat and talked for a while when I asked for his forgiveness for anything I may have said or done to upset him in this trip. I couldn’t help but cry now with the thought of leaving the Ka’bah, upon which Dada began to cry too. My vision clouded and I kept wiping tears away as they came as I didn’t want to miss a single glimpse of the Ka’bah. Dada wiped my tears away as a granddad typically would and began comforting me. Amidst this moving moment, during the wait for Zuhr, corpses began to be carried in for the Janaazah (funeral prayers) that afternoon. There were 9 bodies in total.
What a blessing to have your Janaazah prayed at such a time in such a place, Subhan’Allah! Throughout the trip I remember one Dua that I made which I have never disclosed to anyone until now. The Dua was that Allah accepts my Hajj and takes my soul from me in the land where His House is. I don’t know whether it was right for me to pray for such things, but I know that that’s what I really wanted. I don’t know if I’ll ever see this place again. I would rather die in the spiritual state that I was currently at, at the place I was staying, there and then, than any place else.
When leaving The Grand Mosque for the last time, you are not advised to look back at the Ka’bah once you begin to walk away. Like a child cannot bear separation from its mother, I could not bear the separation from this place. This was possibly one of the greatest sorrows I have known in my life, to walk away from the place where I was the happiest I had ever been.
We went back to the empty apartments in Kudai, silently and sorrowful.
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